the rules of grief
Two years ago, I held my father’s hand as he drew his last breath. Since then, as I’ve struggled to figure out what a world without Dad looks like, I’ve learned and relearned a few things about grieving.
endure toward joy
When people become comatose, one of the many concerns is to keep their muscles from degenerating. Atrophy sets in quickly when there is no movement. On the other hand, most exercise trainers will tell you that muscle grows after it has been under stress. Strenuous exercise makes small tears in the muscle tissue. As it heals, the muscle grows stronger or larger than it was before the ordeal. Some pain is necessary for our bodies to retain vigor.
beloved
Standing near the body of his older brother, his pain was visible. Adding to the weight of death was the knowledge that their relationship had been the closest thing he’d ever known to that of a father and son. His brother had always said, “I love you,” whenever they parted. But the differences in their lives, the jagged edges of their arguments, and the absence of true intimacy left this grieving man wondering if his love was real.
a time to . . .
When grocery store owner William Straw died unexpectedly in 1932, the family of this man from Worksop, England, was devastated. In their grief, they chose to leave William’s red brick house precisely the way it was the day he died. Over the years, Straw’s two sons lived there, keeping the house in immaculate condition—leaving their father’s coats and hats by the front door, his soap in the bathtub, and unopened cans of sardines and beans in the pantry. In 1991, the last surviving son died, leaving the house to the National Trust. The Trust now allows visitors to view William Straw’s house as an example of English life from 80 years ago.
hope deferred
As any couple trying to have a child knows, every 28 days you’re looking for signs of success. For many couples, this expectation is met with disappointment for a few months until conception occurs. But for others, this monthly cycle of raised and dashed hopes can last for years. Proverbs 13:12 describes such an experience well: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”
in the shadows
I know a couple who have just had their third miscarriage. In two of those painful losses, they’ve held a perfectly formed, lifeless little body in their hands. While there’s much light in this world—beauty, goodness, joy—there are also the shadows of sadness, evil, and suffering.
you choose Q: what can i do about my sin?
Q: I always try to run away from sin, and when I think I've gotten away, it comes back. After I commit the sin, I feel as if I should be punished for my sin. Other times, I feel so bad that I think that God is disappointed, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone of my sin, what do…
hope in death
In early 2012, James McConnell passed away at a nursing home in Southsea, Hampshire, in England. Mr. McConnell, a veteran of the UK’s Royal Marines, was 70 years old. Unfortunately, he had no family, and when the medical staff told Rev. Bob Mason that they feared no one would show up for the funeral, Mason sent the following note to the Royal Marines Association:
love does
The news came on Christmas Eve. My wife put down the phone, walked into the bedroom, and burst into tears. We were living in Australia then and had been visiting family in Brisbane, but after the call we decided we needed some time alone. So we packed our bags and started the 12-hour drive home to Sydney. That phone call put an exclamation point on a 2010 full of broken dreams.
laying claim
My mother has developed a habit of occasionally asking us what items we would want once she leaves this earthly existence. Responding with lighthearted humor to her musings on death, and her tendency to be a bit of a packrat, my sister and I tell her not to hide any money in the house because we plan on selling it fully furnished when she dies. When I realized the other day that she still had a grapevine wreath my dad and I had made more than 20 years ago, however, I half-jokingly told her to write my name on it.
you choose Q: what can you do when you've lost all hope?
Q: What can you do when you’ve lost all hope? —Joseph
A: Scripture gives numerous examples of people who’ve struggled with feelings of hopelessness (1 Kings 19:4; Psalm 22:11; Isaiah 53:10; Lamentations 1:12; Jonah 2:1-5; Matthew 27:46; 2 Corinthians 1:8; Hebrews 11:35-40).
When the apostle Paul struggled with profoundly disappointing circumstances and anguished over personal struggles with sin to the point…
prince of peace
While walking through a store, my friend’s 12-year-old daughter commented on a magazine cover about the December 2012 mass shooting that tragically killed 20 children and 6 adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in the US. Her 6-year-old brother didn’t know much about the heartbreaking event, but he looked up at his mom and said, “I think my favorite name for Jesus is Prince of Peace.” “Me too,” my friend replied. “Me too.”
he’s not there
My dad passed away a year ago from pancreatic cancer. When we arrived at the graveside for a private family burial, the funeral director was waiting there with my dad’s cremated ashes. It was the first time we had seen the small urn that housed his remains. I suddenly became overwhelmed with grief. A caring family member looked me in the eye and quietly spoke these simple but reassuring words, “Remember, Dad’s not there.”
tissue boxes
As I sat in the surgical waiting room, I had plenty of time to think. I’d been here before. The last time, the outcome was bad—very bad. On that day, we received the news that my only brother was “brain dead”—two devastating words.
